[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
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Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
There is no “ea” in Tim.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
S O O N
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.