[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
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‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
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No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
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My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
The internet is magic sometimes.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.