Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”