Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…