Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

Voting for coroner

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.