[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
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It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I falcon love using swear birds
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Welcome
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.