[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.