Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

How to find Kentucky on a map

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.