Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

Pikachu found the lost joint

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.