[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
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REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
It’s on my to-do list.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.