[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
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George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
What’s so funny?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”