Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic