Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.