Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.