Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Me: I’ve got crabs
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
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Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
ME: “Trick or bear?”
ME: “HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!”
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]
Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police
I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*