[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
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GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.