@Jeffwni

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

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@Contwixt

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

@Tmoney68

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

@AndyAsAdjective

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

@rolldiggity

ME: “Trick or bear?”
NEIGHBOR: “Bear?”
ME: “HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!”
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]

@briangaar

Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police

@RefractReality

I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

@tehaveragejoel

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*