Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Revenge served cold

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

An owl showing some catlike behavior.