Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]