Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

Haha good job!!

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

School be like

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!