Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family