Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

My time has come.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect