Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

Ghost costume 😂

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”