Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

💀🤣

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

for all #parents out there

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”