[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
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In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.