[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
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Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I think I’ll stand
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.