Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?