[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
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I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything