Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

6: are snakes just neck?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”