Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!