*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
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[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.