Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Google Pay be like:

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS