Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

i think both sides are to blame here

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

grotesque if literal: baby food

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring