Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Watermelon Boss!

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

is it too early for christmas memes

The Friday File.

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.