@daemonic3

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

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@KalvinMacleod

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

@mikeym00n

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

@kristiffy

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@JimmerThatisAll

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

@ArfMeasures

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

@alexlumaga

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

@tweetsbyrocket

genie: i shall grant you three wishes

me: i wish for a world without lawyers

genie: done, you have no more wishes

me: but you said three

genie: sue me

@donni

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby