came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
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“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
what if sneks had fluffy ears
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu