[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?