ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
*clouds turn to fire*
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
genie: i shall grant you three wishes
me: i wish for a world without lawyers
genie: done, you have no more wishes
me: but you said three
genie: sue me
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby