Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

Mhm.

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour