[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
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Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.