Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.