Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

When someone says you are so lazy

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane