1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
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I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Sign at work today
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕