Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

Those are good neighbors.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.