[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

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“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]


“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.


Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.


Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.


Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.


I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.


Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…


Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.


I react to the phrase “open bar” the way my dog reacts to everything


In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.