[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Perfect