“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
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“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I react to the phrase “open bar” the way my dog reacts to everything
In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.