the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
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I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.