[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
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2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this