Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

anyone else like Italian cereal

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

That time Alicia messaged me

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

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Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Maths meets science

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy