Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

👾👾👾

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

how was your vacation

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling