[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
You Might Also Like
Tell me you get it…🤣
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”