Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

ㅤ