Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

Am getting real tired of your crap…

Alexa, make me look good naked.

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

the official breakfast of 2021

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia