Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

An odd boast

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5