Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.