Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO