Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

Me driving through Toronto

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.