Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

my favorite gender

When they try to steal your moment.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.