Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.