Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

who wants to go expliring

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.