[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
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Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
cat vs inanimate object
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY