Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

I love you to the refrigerator and back

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that