[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Good news
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
