Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.