Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

I know a bad idea when I see one.

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful