Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

Y’all know who you are.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo