Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

what

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.

Husband: What experts?

Me: Experts.

Husband: But who?

Me: Me. I’m the experts.

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

Love the Deepseek app, using it to organize all my finances and passwords. They make it so easy

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!