Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.