[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
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Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”