[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
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[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
