Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

dark side of the loom

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

certified hallow’s eve classic

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.