[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
You Might Also Like
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Happy Halloween 🎃
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
The only equipped I am is ill.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838