Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it