[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T