Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

pep talk

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.